beautifully put! i wrote about how i tend to place people on pedestals, and i would expect them to give me every piece of themself when truthfully, some friendships don’t ever reach that level of intimacy or depth. and it’s ok. :) it’s not a requirement to be fully known or understood, as long as they share in your happiness.
Thank you mikad! I love that you came to that conclusion in your piece. I truly agree and I hope we both continue to discover what friendships mean to us !
so important to “let these new friendships breathe” and see how they layer atop each other. what an awesome first piece carolyn - it’s an honor to be friends w someone so thoughtful & intentional
I really really like this because I’ve never thought about it quite like this before. Motherhood really brings out the “pointy” friends, because suddenly you’re at library storytime with a bunch of other moms that are so different from you except that they all have kids — like you. I have a mom friend I exclusively go on walks with, and another that I’ve only connected with because we’ve both had similar motherhood journeys (though we have very different lives). I’m learning to appreciate these connections while still fostering the old friends that know all of me
Thank you so much Sol! I love seeing how motherhood intersects with different types of friendships and your journey navigating that. Thank you for sharing :)
I had this realisation while high at a festival with a friend of a friend, because we had been separated from the rest of the group. It felt incredibly profound. I now classify them as a friend of my own.
I love these classifications! I felt lonely most of my life even though I was surrounded by friends. It wasn’t until I realized our culture of best friendships perpetuated by media (mostly for ease of casting) gave me unrealistic expectations. i have many pointy friends and maybe two or three holistic ones, and i feel very held and in community. i don’t have a friend group but i have little subsections of interests. yes there is privilege there, but i also worked hard to seek these types of friendships and feel peace in the pockets of my life.
I'm so glad the classifications resonated! Embracing pointy friendships have also been so helpful with battling with loneliness and finding comfort in my connections
i can't explain how much i loved and needed this one.
i have a friend who believes that holistic friendships are the only "true" friendships one can have and doesn't want to get to know anyone with whom she doesn't "click" right away.
at first i shared her opinion. honestly, i had enough of friendships that lasted only a few months or even weeks since we didn't really get along, didn't share more interests with each other or some other reason (i realized pretty fast that that's just how friendships are and that i should be thankful for every person who crosses my path - and that sometimes the reason for the fall of was that no one reached out after a while, for the reason above, since we all wanted the holistic type of friendship).
but after a while i realized that my friends opinion on that topic doesn't work for me (it started when i went to uni). i am a really social person, i love getting to know new people, even if it's not on a deeper level. and if i carry on like this and only look out for holistic friends - i will someday have no one. so i put it all behind me and just started to talk to people, and after a while i knew more people than i have ever known at school or anywhere else. and yea, maybe i can't tell most of them my whole life story, but do i have to?
when my friend got into uni (at the same time i did) she told me how hard it is to find friends or just people to talk to because everyone there was superficial.
and yeah, somehow i get what she means by that. but isn't everyone kinda superficial at the beginning, especially on the first days of uni when no one knows anyone? and when i compare her experience with mine (i know people with many different personalities and interests that are similar to mine, she has no one) - i think i choose the better alternative.
i don't want to talk bad about her way of seeing this, maybe it works for her and if she only wants to have deep friendships - that's fine! but i don't think you should wonder about not getting to know anyone when you're putting people on a pedestal and expect to much right in the beginning. some friendships don't reach that depth and that's okay.
if the connection makes you and the other person happy - that's a wonderful friendship you should appreciate :)
(sorry for the long comment, this topic goes way deeper and is something i nearly always think about!)
perfectly encapsulated my feelings on friendship and honestly let me see these “pointy” friendships in a different light. i always want my friends to know absolutely everything about me, but maybe they don’t need to. these friendships can exist and be beautiful through our singular shared interest or commonality. we don’t need to know one another inside and out to enjoy each other’s company. will be thinking about this!
I resonate with the caveat; if I feel like my core self is connected with others, then I have a much higher tolerance and curiosity for seeking and making pointy friends. When I feel disconnected from my holistic community, I suddenly expect more from pointy people. I try to make the friendship into something it was not (and might not be able to become). It ends with myself and the “pointy” friends being disappointed. It’s hard to disentangle the two sometimes
Oh absolutely I agree! for me there are some days that it’s so easy to embrace pointy friendships and on other days it can be so difficult to remind myself not to put pressure on them
loved reading this, you’ve managed to articulate exactly what I’ve been going through as a fresh grad trying to make new friends. I love my close holistic friendships but have found so much joy and excitement in cultivating “pointy” friends at this stage in my life! Not everyone needs to be an everything friend!
thank you so much Julia! im so glad you found joy in pointy friendships - it makes me so happy to hear that others can relate and are finding success in this as I work through it myself :)
I loved reading this and there is a special place for friendships that exist in subcultures and specific interests, like we should not have one or the other considering we are both. Thank you for writing and sharing with us 💓
I’ve never thought about friendships this way. It’s refreshing I’m excited to explore this. For someone who has Anxious Attachment, this may be really helpful as we tend to put a lot of pressure on our relationships.
beautifully put! i wrote about how i tend to place people on pedestals, and i would expect them to give me every piece of themself when truthfully, some friendships don’t ever reach that level of intimacy or depth. and it’s ok. :) it’s not a requirement to be fully known or understood, as long as they share in your happiness.
Thank you mikad! I love that you came to that conclusion in your piece. I truly agree and I hope we both continue to discover what friendships mean to us !
This was a phenomenal read. One of the more insightful and thought provoking pieces on the anatomy of friendships I’ve read in a long time.
Aww thank you so much Richa that means a lot!
so important to “let these new friendships breathe” and see how they layer atop each other. what an awesome first piece carolyn - it’s an honor to be friends w someone so thoughtful & intentional
this is such a sweet and supportive compliment, I appreciate you so much Annie thank you for creating spaces for me to get back into writing!
I really really like this because I’ve never thought about it quite like this before. Motherhood really brings out the “pointy” friends, because suddenly you’re at library storytime with a bunch of other moms that are so different from you except that they all have kids — like you. I have a mom friend I exclusively go on walks with, and another that I’ve only connected with because we’ve both had similar motherhood journeys (though we have very different lives). I’m learning to appreciate these connections while still fostering the old friends that know all of me
Thank you so much Sol! I love seeing how motherhood intersects with different types of friendships and your journey navigating that. Thank you for sharing :)
This needs to be in a post grad brochure 😂, this was so well said
thank you nia! I wish someone told me this earlier when I graduated 🤧
I had this realisation while high at a festival with a friend of a friend, because we had been separated from the rest of the group. It felt incredibly profound. I now classify them as a friend of my own.
I love these classifications! I felt lonely most of my life even though I was surrounded by friends. It wasn’t until I realized our culture of best friendships perpetuated by media (mostly for ease of casting) gave me unrealistic expectations. i have many pointy friends and maybe two or three holistic ones, and i feel very held and in community. i don’t have a friend group but i have little subsections of interests. yes there is privilege there, but i also worked hard to seek these types of friendships and feel peace in the pockets of my life.
I'm so glad the classifications resonated! Embracing pointy friendships have also been so helpful with battling with loneliness and finding comfort in my connections
i can't explain how much i loved and needed this one.
i have a friend who believes that holistic friendships are the only "true" friendships one can have and doesn't want to get to know anyone with whom she doesn't "click" right away.
at first i shared her opinion. honestly, i had enough of friendships that lasted only a few months or even weeks since we didn't really get along, didn't share more interests with each other or some other reason (i realized pretty fast that that's just how friendships are and that i should be thankful for every person who crosses my path - and that sometimes the reason for the fall of was that no one reached out after a while, for the reason above, since we all wanted the holistic type of friendship).
but after a while i realized that my friends opinion on that topic doesn't work for me (it started when i went to uni). i am a really social person, i love getting to know new people, even if it's not on a deeper level. and if i carry on like this and only look out for holistic friends - i will someday have no one. so i put it all behind me and just started to talk to people, and after a while i knew more people than i have ever known at school or anywhere else. and yea, maybe i can't tell most of them my whole life story, but do i have to?
when my friend got into uni (at the same time i did) she told me how hard it is to find friends or just people to talk to because everyone there was superficial.
and yeah, somehow i get what she means by that. but isn't everyone kinda superficial at the beginning, especially on the first days of uni when no one knows anyone? and when i compare her experience with mine (i know people with many different personalities and interests that are similar to mine, she has no one) - i think i choose the better alternative.
i don't want to talk bad about her way of seeing this, maybe it works for her and if she only wants to have deep friendships - that's fine! but i don't think you should wonder about not getting to know anyone when you're putting people on a pedestal and expect to much right in the beginning. some friendships don't reach that depth and that's okay.
if the connection makes you and the other person happy - that's a wonderful friendship you should appreciate :)
(sorry for the long comment, this topic goes way deeper and is something i nearly always think about!)
This is such a great way to look at friendships, not everyone is for everything.
perfectly encapsulated my feelings on friendship and honestly let me see these “pointy” friendships in a different light. i always want my friends to know absolutely everything about me, but maybe they don’t need to. these friendships can exist and be beautiful through our singular shared interest or commonality. we don’t need to know one another inside and out to enjoy each other’s company. will be thinking about this!
yes absolutely!! thank you for your lovely words and I hope as you think about ideas like these something will resonate with you!
I resonate with the caveat; if I feel like my core self is connected with others, then I have a much higher tolerance and curiosity for seeking and making pointy friends. When I feel disconnected from my holistic community, I suddenly expect more from pointy people. I try to make the friendship into something it was not (and might not be able to become). It ends with myself and the “pointy” friends being disappointed. It’s hard to disentangle the two sometimes
Oh absolutely I agree! for me there are some days that it’s so easy to embrace pointy friendships and on other days it can be so difficult to remind myself not to put pressure on them
loved reading this, you’ve managed to articulate exactly what I’ve been going through as a fresh grad trying to make new friends. I love my close holistic friendships but have found so much joy and excitement in cultivating “pointy” friends at this stage in my life! Not everyone needs to be an everything friend!
thank you so much Julia! im so glad you found joy in pointy friendships - it makes me so happy to hear that others can relate and are finding success in this as I work through it myself :)
I loved reading this and there is a special place for friendships that exist in subcultures and specific interests, like we should not have one or the other considering we are both. Thank you for writing and sharing with us 💓
thank you so much, I’m so glad you resonated with it! And exactly, I adore my friends who share specific interests
What an open and refreshing perspective!! Puts you out of a rigid box and lets you enjoy all sorts of people. Wonderfully written!
thank you so much! I definitely feel so much more free in my friendships with this mental change, I’m so glad it resonated with you as well!
Never thought about friends in that way and I find this so beautiful and accurate. There is space for and beauty in both types of friendships.
I’ve never thought about friendships this way. It’s refreshing I’m excited to explore this. For someone who has Anxious Attachment, this may be really helpful as we tend to put a lot of pressure on our relationships.